Ask The Org recently featured a question from PokerStars’ James Hartigan on the worst poker scenes in movies or TV.
We now bring you the shocking news that archeologists in Hollywood have uncovered the partial remnants of a screenplay, once thought lost forever.
The script is believed to form the basis of every terrible cliché that’s ever appeared in the worst poker scenes from film and TV, throughout the ages.
Painstakingly restored, we present to you here the first few pages, in which the key players are introduced…
[Interior - Night - The Poker Room]
Smoke fills the air of a darkened room; a single shaded lamp hangs from the ceiling, illuminating the green felt of a poker table. Beyond the glow of the table, the room’s walls are barely visible, though we can discern printed signs that read ‘Liquor in the front, poker in the rear’, that painting of dogs playing poker, and a large picture of a royal flush in spades.
The game - naturally - is five-card draw, and every single action taken by each player will be narrated by the Dealer.
Around the table sit…
In the #1 seat: The Hero Who Learns Something About Himself
The hero of our story, this young man with boyish good looks is ethical, with the best of intentions, yet has an adventurous, risk-taking streak which makes him irresistable to audiences.
It is essential that he learns something about himself, and life in general, via the medium of a poker game. Usually this is somehow achieved simply by winning a lot, then losing most of it, then winning some of it back.
He will eventually leave the game in the early hours of the morning, slinging his jacket over his shoulder as he walks out into the world and pausing to take in the wonder of the sunrise, before lighting a cigarette and walking out of shot.
Possibly referred to throughout only as ‘The Kid’.
In the #2 seat: The Pot-Splasher
A well-dressed man with shifty eyes, played by a character actor you vaguely recognize. His role is not to win, but at some point he will shove all his chips forward directly into the pot without counting them first or announcing the amount.
No one will mind, as someone else will do exactly the same and beat him, taking all his chips without checking who had the bigger stack.
Should be named after a two-syllable geographical location and a single-syllable forename, such as ‘Kansas Pete’ or ‘Charleston Jack’.
In the #3 seat: The Drunk
A heavily refreshed older man in a hat, overweight and sweaty, who will berate the rest of the table while slurring his words. Should be portrayed by an aging comedian.
He will not win in the game - drunk players can never win at poker - and eventually will slump forward onto the table and fall asleep, occasionally snoring for comic effect.
May be named ‘Doc’.
In the #4 seat: The Extravagant Folder
This character has no lines or significant part to play. Their only role in the scene is to react when the hero tables their hand by cursing under their breath, holding their cards high above their head, then snapping them quickly into the muck while shaking their head ruefully as the camera pans away.
In the #5 seat: The Player With The Tell
Every poker scene must feature at least one player with a tell so obvious it is hard to ignore. How they fiddle with a ring, eat their snacks or place their chips will be a dead giveaway to the hero, and the audience, as to the strength of their hand.
This player will also often be a string-bettor of the worst kind, saying things like “I call your $2,000… with $25,000 more” when heads-up versus the Hero.
Most times, once the audience knows the Hero has spotted the tell, this player will use it as a reverse tell. The hero will look on with a shocked expression as this player smirks and drags the pot that would have solved all the hero’s problems.
In the #6 seat: The Illegal Raiser
An older, well-dressed man with an upper-crust accent and a moustache to match. The purpose of this plot device - sorry, player - is to suddenly raise the stakes far beyond the acceptable norm by wagering something non-monetary, such as a fancy car, the deeds to the orphanage, or the hero’s existing debt.
It is important for the story to forget about the notion of table-stakes, in order for the hero to have more at risk in dramatic terms. It is also important that this player is far richer than the hero, such that the stakes are far more meaningful for the hero than him.
If he wins, it must be early in the story so the hero has time to seek revenge.
In the #7 seat: The Unlikely Winner
An unassuming player with the bearing of a kindly aunt, no one would ever expect this player to win anything, let alone a game of poker against hard-boiled opponents like these.
At one point during the scene, after a gruff player confidently tables trips and smirks at her, she will gingerly show her cards and say something like, “I have all the clovers… is that good?”
On occasion, as the game ends, her meek voice will suddenly give way to her natural, blue-collar accent to make sure we know she was a hustler the whole time.
In the #8 seat: The Desperate Player
Overly talkative and visibly nervous, this player will continually re-order the cards in their hand, holding them far out in front of them so they can see them properly through their glasses. They will be one of the friendlier players at the table, but it will be obvious they are in dire financial trouble and desperate to claw back their losses.
They will almost never be seen to win a hand; on the rare occasions they do, they will immediately run into a loan shark or enemy who will threaten them, snatch their roll of bills and shove it roughly into a jacket pocket without counting it.
In the #9 seat: The Cheat
This villainous man comes in two varieties: well-dressed and upper-class, or greasy and desperate. They will have a conversation before the game with their confederate - who will sit closely behind them in the shadows wearing a hat - about exactly how they will cheat in the upcoming game, so the audience knows what to look out for. This will usually involve a cold deck or holding out cards.
When they put their plan into action we will not see the hero’s cards until the end of the hand, when we discover the hero knew all about the plan all along and was actually a better cheater than the Cheat.
How the Hero actually does this is not important and never needs to be explained.
The Dealer
…has a gun.
It’s crucial that the most successful and established player in the game at some point takes an outlandish and senseless risk that somehow pays off, proving once and for all that being good at poker is exactly the same as being incredibly lucky.
Finally, remember that a straight flush beats four-of-a-kind. Trust me, it’s gonna come up more often than you think…
