'I was so afraid' – Jessica Vierling on mental health issues and playing poker

“My family would play all kinds of card games on our trips: gin rummy, go fish, and many others,” shared Vierling. “I just loved cards. I loved magic tricks with cards. Anything to do with cards, I just wanted to play, play, play.”

As luck would have it, a boyfriend taught her the rules of poker while Vierling attended university in Germany. To say Vierling was hooked on poker from that moment forward would be remiss. Soon after, she took a job at Amazon, and poker took a back seat, at least momentarily.

A few years later, Vierling relocated to Seattle, Washington, as a project team leader at Amazon. By day, she was a senior program manager; by night, she battled online for pots when time allowed, yet she still harbored a dream of becoming a full-time poker pro. 

As luck would have it again, Vierling created a program at Amazon that eventually managed her right out of a job, and she was no longer needed on that project. She ultimately chose not to accept another position at the company. That unfortunate period of joblessness led to a very fortunate opportunity; she could now pursue her dream.

“I’ve always been super ambitious,” said Vierling. ‘I was in the corporate world and simultaneously playing poker on the side. It was a mix of not wanting to work there anymore and being asked to go. It was time to move on in my life. I had always wanted to see if I could make it in poker. This was my chance to do just that.”

The vicious rollercoaster of variance hits hard 

As Vierling struggled with the fierce financial swings of poker as a full-time professional, internally, she also struggled with her interpersonal relationships, which eventually led to her being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

“My mental issues can make me somewhat bipolar,” confessed Vierling. “I tend to have short episodes where I can be self-destructive. I’d berate myself for leaving corporate life when life and poker were not working well. I’d be upset that I’d never make it in poker. I was going to go broke, and on and on and on. I had a volatile self-image. It was causing a lot of fighting and drama in my relationships. I then began to seek treatment.”

Vierling holds nothing back

PokerOrg’s Craig Tapscott caught up with Vierling after she put on a big stack clinic with 40 players left in the Commerce WSOP-C Main, eventually capturing the title. The $328,000 win topped her third-place finish cash for $158,000 at the 2022 WSOP-C Choctaw main event. Vierling now has more than $1,000,000 in career cashes to date.

Vierling shares with PokerOrg her passion for the game, poker mentors, life-changing books, and how she handles life's mental and physical pressures and a game that can twist stifling knots into both.

Jessica Vierling bagged her biggest win at the WSOP-C Commerce, thanks to some brilliant play and her faithful friends

Let’s talk about the early days of playing poker full-time. You had left Amazon and were playing online, correct?

Jessica Vierling: Yes. In the beginning, I was losing at the .50/$1 cash games. At times, losing pretty big [laughs]. But I had decided to do this professionally. So, I found a great coach – Jared Alderman. He had been part of a study Discord group I was in, and we eventually worked privately together. I quickly got a lot better. My main focus was tournament strategies.

What were some of the critical aspects of strategy you learned at the time?

JV: Between Jared’s coaching and Andrew Brokos' insightful books, Play Optimal Poker I and II, I learned about range morphology as an approach. How do ranges change and fluctuate with each check, bet, or raise, and how do you adjust accordingly? I call it the dance of ranges. By approaching the game in this way, I can read people's hand ranges more accurately and understand how best to proceed in any given hand. 

What level was your game at before taking on Jared as a coach?

JV: I thought I knew what I was doing [laughs]. I would tell other players what they should or should not do. I felt I really knew poker. In reality, I knew very little. But I was eager to study hard and learn. 

I remember one session with Jared where he went over several hands I’d played, and he was full of encouragement for how well I had played them. It gave me a lot of confidence. After that, I thought, ‘Maybe I’m good. 

You then decided to move to Las Vegas to play tournaments. Correct?

JV: Yes. I wanted to play primarily live events. I was a very intuitive player at the beginning of my poker journey. When I started studying more, that intellectual approach kind of interfered with my instincts.

How did you combine the two to find the balance?

JV: What clicked for me was the adjustments I needed against recreational players. Why call a big raise on the river? They’ve usually got it, right? Things like that. I started to integrate all I had learned from Jared in regard to poker theory. 

At one point, I was researching how to handle downswings and found a great article by Mike Wasserman. That helped me to understand more about what I was going through. When I eventually worked with Mike, he gave me so much confidence in my game. He's one of the best coaches in the poker community and definitely the most humble about his accomplishments. It was then that I began to trust my instincts once again. That was a huge turning point in my game. 

Please share more about your mental health struggles. I’m sure many players deal with similar things in their daily lives. It can be a very stressful game, especially at the highest stakes.

JV: There are a lot of symptoms of borderline personality disorder. You can look them up on Google. Things like fear of abandonment, a volatile self-image, and there’s a lot of fighting in my relationships. It accelerated during the beginning of this year when I was on a big downswing. I felt very self-destructive.

This had to affect everything in your life, especially poker.

JV: It did. I would play an online session, and when a few hands didn't go well, I’d sob and shake in front of the laptop. 

What kinds of treatment did you seek to understand and treat these issues?

JV: I went to therapy, but there's no medical treatment for BPD. There is something that's called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It teaches you to not react to your feelings so strongly and catch them before they overwhelm you. It's not easy.

What other symptoms occur when these issues arise?

JV: I have a tough time sleeping, and other major anxieties pile on. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours for the three days of the Commerce WSOP Circuit Main Event. My body felt like it was under so much pressure.

Why were you thirty minutes late to arrive on the final day? Please only share what you feel comfortable about.

JV: I had an anxiety attack the night before and the morning of day three. I had slept very little all week. My boyfriend, Justin Lapka, stayed calm and helped me as much as possible. I was in a very negative space and self-destructive mode.

What was going through your mind?

JV: There were a lot of dark thoughts happening that evening. A borderline personality disorder is very closely related to being bipolar. It happens in short time frames. One symptom is occasional thoughts of suicide. The negative critic within me was strong that evening. I was so afraid. 

The main reason for my anxiety don't really stem from poker as much but more from my relationship issues. I thought If I missed Day 3, I would be ashamed enough and in enough pain to overcome my survival instincts and finally take my life. What got me to arrive to Day 3 were the thoughts of the friends and people rooting for me. I didn't want to let them down. I thought about what it would be like to shame myself in front of the people I wanted the most respect from and miss this important day. I was so back and forth and overwhelmed by the anxiety of it all.

But you got yourself together and went anyway. That was a very powerful choice.

JV: True. It was. What actually made me go was I didn’t want to let my friends down. I wasn’t sure how well I could play without sleep, but I was willing to try. 

I saw you on stream gather yourself and take a few deep breaths as you sat down.

JV: That helped. I was very nervous. But after I was dealt my first hand, I wasn’t nervous anymore. I forgot about the lights and cameras and just played my game.

Jessica Vierling heads-up with Christian Roberts for the ring

What kind of practices do you use to deal with the anxieties in poker? 

JV: I usually meditate for five minutes a day. That grounds and helps to center me. Mostly, it’s staying focused on one hand at a time. Also, I’ve learned to watch my posture and sit up straighter, and chip shuffling actually helps me ground into the game and calms my mind. 

That’s very interesting. We can’t leave out someone else who is very supportive of you at the tables, correct?

JV: Yes. My medical alert husky dog, Leya. She helps me to stay calm and nudges me when I have manic episodes. She’s six years old and is so beautiful. Everybody loves her, and she loves everybody. Except maybe Shaun Deeb, who was directly on my right during day two [laughs].

Did she bite, Shaun? That would have been an excellent strategy to distract him.

JV: No, not at all. I’m teasing. Shaun was fine with her for the most part, even though she may have laid on his feet. 

We really appreciate you sharing your journey with us, Jessica.

JV: Thank you, Craig.